User:RD/9k/Q691

Prototype notes

691. "I wish comrades existed" / wishing comrades or solidarity existed in real life (motif) / "the love of humanity" is usually not reciprocated (motif) -> a thing you would mostly only hear in the United States or Australia, but trust me, it's a real problem. we really have this problem where movements form solely around being terrified of White people or men etc based on individualized traumatic experiences, and beating up on people who don't perform exactly the correct gestures to not look like an enemy, but where you don't get anything back, they don't form unions, they don't succesfully help people get housing, they don't help people join up with a hundred people to get more people to vote center-Liberal and keep the ballot boxes from going away, they just kinda periodically slug you and tell you you're bad and you need to be better harder faster stronger. at a certain point it's like, what do you even do with this. all our movements to supposedly squash "Western individualism" are fucking (pronounced redacted) individualist. by the time I'm not completely distracted with hiding from reactionaries and not being able to work or tolerate workplaces, I've been through so much shit (pronounced redacted) and trauma and problem-solving I don't need these movements, I just already experienced everything the movements were attempting to prevent. and it's like, thanks, guys. thanks for absolutely nothing. thanks for all my experiences with you over the years making me want to move to another country and not even bother to do anything to defend or take back this one. if you think this is what a country is you can have this blasted country to yourselves. I'll get my grubby Communist hands off it and it will be all yours. so what will your excuse be in 30 years for Existentialism not being able to materially stop Toryism from erupting into fascism, and what is your plan for succeeding next time?

Vents

5140. a regular Arab, not an evil one -> I accidentally said a microaggression as a teenager. the gist of it went something like "a person from some Middle Eastern country, only they're just like us". this was my confused attempt to not be racist by invoking anti-essentialism and trying to explain in a world where my relatives were always saying terribly racist and essentialist-sounding things that other groups of people contained all the things that ours did; what I was meaning to imply was something like that there were tens of "non-evil" Arabs per every "evil" one. some progressive-raised kids from a progressive city took it super duper badly, and this left me really confused because I really wasn't the kind of person that casually said all the racist things my parents did. every time my family members were making racist jokes I tended to try to comprehend other groups of people as people and explain things about them to my family members which would leave them really bored and uninterested. when I became an adult this vast and yet very lukewarm movement for what appeared to be postcolonial anarchism was kicking up everywhere. suddenly the root of all evil was language and it didn't matter what choices you made in your life or what you did to others as long as you Platformed Minorities and Made Media Representation and every day you said the right language. I got constantly kicked and kicked and kicked for not being born instantly knowing the right phrasings and framings of things, even though whenever I would say things correctly it wouldn't actually help anyone and it would just result in my family members and all the Tories getting super mad at me and basically me having no agency in society and hiding in a corner. everything about this movement or cluster of movements was about things you could only do if you were the bourgeoisie, while it was like if you were the proletariat you'd only get endlessly abused by absolutely everybody everywhere because you couldn't do the important capitalist things that would fix society. I felt really bad. I stopped trying to interact with people or make friends because the way people would get stuck to general-sense psychoanalysis and Vote Vote Vote and pounding everyone for the wrong language but had no ability to help each other survive or brave towns of Tories or not end up stuck deep in their houses unable to work or go out in public and it was all just "All Human Should Behave Correct Way With No Help Strong Squash Bad Guy" had me feeling sick. I felt so shit (pronounced redacted) about being born and being in society and everything I stopped really caring if anyone would like me or forgive me for not being perfect. I retreated into my hole and read a lot of stuff just to try to figure out what had happened. I wasn't angry at anybody because to be honest I didn't feel like I deserved to be angry, LGBT+black&brown were out there being the bourgeoisie and being legal experts and doing things but no matter how not-awful I was or how many thousands of hours I had spent creating and learning and trying to be productive I hadn't given anything back to the world. determined just to understand what had happened, I read and read and read things, trying to make everything everyone had ever said go together and not be contradictory any more. and, well... long after all my emotions were dead and I could only experience empathy with anyone through proposition-based logic, my working conclusion is that the top way people teach each other not to be racist is essentially to say "other countries are like us rather than flat bad guys". it's literally just, the reason people tell each other to read fiction as education is that fiction keeps showing them over and over examples of people being normal in multiple countries, practically the same exact things over and over but different country now. do you see why I'm dead inside? it's like the only difference between "a regular Arab, not an evil one" and the generally accepted way people teach fiction to each other is not even what tone the thing is said in but whether a particular kind of postcolonial anarchist is analyzing and framing the teaching process and thinking you did it wrong. that's it. thanks to the difficulty of predicting individuals and the prevalence of false positives, the difference between microaggressions and non-microaggressions often hinges on the person diagnosing them rather than the actual subject of the diagnosis.
2449. Settler-colonialism is "better" than Bolshevism / The United States succeeded because of a small-scale, molecularized settler-colonialism process in which it opted to toss out all its extra people instead of undergo the considerable strain of incorporating them, in contrast to the Soviet Union where molecular settler-colonialism did not win and people were to be incorporated into the overall federation simply because they were people but because people mattered more than maintaining the imperial structure the system was not robust against the outside -> so, almost 5 years ago, I fell backward into a fight with blue anarchism and basically got thrown out of society. I had very little for social relationships as it was. but I learned on that day that nobody is apolitical and everybody has bizarrely specific requirements to even bother interacting with people and making them part of society or consider them human. what did I do to get exiled that bad? not even anything as bad the time I came up with "a regular Arab, not an evil one". (which I have to add, even though that was objectively a microaggression they never hated me for that. that was "okay".) I questioned the word "colonialism". that's what I did; I tried to start probing exactly what colonialism is supposed to be and where people think it comes from and if having the concept is actually helping anyone. and I tried to start developing the idea of population-societies and that all populations eat, occupy space, multiply, and bump into each other, and because they all develop at the same time in all directions and people's brains aren't connected populations can't control each other. I did not do it very well. because I wasn't trained. I wasn't trained in philosophy or having a highly specific color-tinted ideology of how societies "should" be built from the ground up. I didn't yet know how to line up twenty different conflicting models of a whole society and separate them and analyze the inner workings of each one to predict when and if Trotskyism and Maoism will merge. I was just a person. I really was just curious, and had questions to ask. but I swear what was actually happening was United States movements are fundamentally not curious to have knowledge or know how reality works; they want to tell you stuff, but they don't want you to ask stuff. they want to do this thing described by Deleuze and differently by Badiou where society changes through a bunch of little changes in people. but like, they want the changes to be people unquestioningly accepting axioms without really knowing if they make sense. the more I tried to read blue anarchism theories and try to understand them, like some lost soul trapped in purgatory trying to get released, the less and less any of it made sense. the more I'd read about Deleuze and Badiou and Proudhon and whoever, the more I'd be like, how can you know any human being desires to live in harmony with or be friends with anyone, how can I know people won't kill me or stand in my house packing up or crushing everything I own and driving me out of my house until I obey them, what even is a human right, how do we know we have any of them? because all their baseless assertions without any actual explanation of how they know that would just increasingly make me go crazy. I gained new kinds of racism I hadn't had before because I was suddenly just afraid of Black people or tribal populations or people from another country knowing I existed and deciding I was a stupid idiot because I didn't know something and I didn't understand things in the specific way they did. and I really just had to look inside myself and say, I think I've had enough. I don't care any more if anyone likes me or thinks I "look" progressive. I'm just going to study what's going on and look for truth, because that's all I can do. that's all I can do any more. so I studied Marxism. because I had literally no incentive to try to fudge any of it or learn a lesser version of it just to make people happy; I needed a theory of human survival for my survival that only depended on labor and structure and didn't depend on empathy or people being nice. then over time I started to see that Marxists were believing some very false things about the United States, they were believing that anarchism was compatible with Marxism in the same sense that Menshevism had historically been and that anarchist demonstrations were just 'people forming together' or 'people resisting' when really the substance of them and the hypothetical way to make use of them is drastically different. though they didn't speak directly to me I could just tell that, entailed in what they said there was this implication that a lot of people don't actually matter and people only matter if they magically know how to impossibly mobilize a population of anarchists that don't want to commit to anything into urgently pulling off highly specific goals that are almost impossible for them; these little tiny events that for an anarchist become giant mountains and tantamout to a revolution. the whole thing of "a Left existing" is this thing of people that are highly trained and practically professors leading a bunch of people that don't believe in Materialism where if you don't either take a leap of faith on believing dangerously inaccurate things or have enough training to practically go to a conventional job interview over it there isn't even a place for you to get involved at all, like if the issues are killing you and you're all alone and terrified, tough luck. a White person born to nazis is a glorified nazi, should have been an anarchist, see you in hell. and that messed me up. it was like watching a train wreck seeing these Marxists try to insist they could control "the train" and know what "station" it should go to while each time the train was rolling wildly off the tracks, one time, and then again. I lost my trust in nearly everyone and to regain any semblance of sanity I just had to start reading and recording shit (pronounced redacted). I had to just start pinning up propositions on a wall. I think schizoanalysis gave me trauma. [...]

Light at the end

692. comrade (mathematics) / mathematical description of which individuals or localized graphs remain part of a Lattice model -> this is very close to becoming an actual term. like, the more I pick at graphs and Lattice models and Beast-based graphs, the more it becomes likely there will be a mathematical definition of what kinds of graph links stay and which ones break. it makes total sense in my head. but it's also hilarious. there would be a certain great comedy in titling an entire chapter of the MDem book "Comrade (mathematics)", like it walked straight out of a weird alternate Wikipedia from a different timeline.